Friday, February 17, 2012

Times Past

It was the Millennium – 2000 and I decided to start a diary – the first since 1949.
Yesterday I started to read it and had forgotten what a stressful time it was.  Soon after my son and I had visited my mother in Portugal she died.  The week before, whilst shopping in Taunton my foot slipped down a hole covered with leaves and I fractured my fibula and was unable to fly to Portugal for my mother’s funeral. My brother died ten days later, in the North East and I missed that funeral also.

 I had promised my mother I would scatter her ashes by Ennerdale Lake and this I was determined to do.  My sister wanted to scatter them in Portugal and various parts of America.  Eventually it was sorted to the best of my ability and we and my # 1son and family scattered them along with my brother’s in the Lake District.

I remember when I was mobile visiting a therapist to try to alleviate some of the physical tension, and to my horror when she started to ask questions broke down into gut wrenching sobs.  It was embarrassing but she was very understanding and I did feel much better for it  and the tension eased.  

We had decided the journey north to visit our Yorkshire cottage was getting too arduous so reluctantly put it up for sale and as it was comparatively close to the house I had bought for my parents we put that up for sale also.  More stress but eventually they were sold and we got on with clearing the houses.  Me bagging things for charity or the tip and MTL sneaking them back in the house.

At that time I had no help in either house or garden, read for Talking Newspaper and belonged to a writer’s circle.  Our long time chairman had health problems so I took that on and was landed with organising and editing a publication of writings pertaining to Somerset for the Millennium.

I can’t help feeling if I had been blogging at the time I would have coped much better.  As it is I look back and think how lucky we are now to have so much easier a time.  We see our consultant on Wednesday and pray our luck holds.  He has said that if the last scan – taken some weeks ago, is clear that will be that.

We have had a good rest this week with no decorators  but M phoned today to say they will be back on Monday to finish everything off before our French family arrive, so that is a relief.  I could agonise over whether I should have stuck with white gloss instead of matt – but I’m not going to.


OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

What a horrendous period of time, Pat...Both your Mom and your Brother in such a short space of time....What does it feel like to re-read these entries?
And...Everything looking lovely, my dear....I bet you are glad it is almost done!!

I hate these new Verification words---I have a lot of trouble reading them.

Mike and Ann said...

Once again Pat, our thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Love, Mike and Ann.

Pat said...

Naomi: it is amazing to me that one can almost forget how awful it was - and so many things going wrong in other areas. I suppose it it important to remember that things do usually get better.
I wrote about it to get it off my chest.
I agree those V words have hit a new low.

Mikle and Ann: thank you - they are much appreciated.

angryparsnip said...

Oh Pat,
What stressful times. Doesn't it feel sometime that everything is happening all at once.
But how wonderful you got to visit your Mother before she died. Not that you knew she would die but still it was wonderful to have visited her before she died.

When I die I want my ashes to be scattered where I scattered the ashes of my daughter Nicole so many years ago.

I have had diaries off and on over the years, especially in the hard times. Like yours so much was heart wrenching that I destroyed them. I didn't want anyone reading them especially the children. I burned some and shredded the rest.
I felt like my x should have no more power over me. I freed myself.
Or at lest tried to. Made me feel some what in control.

I am sending good thoughts to you and YTL with a couple of Square Ones woofs too !

cheers, parsnip

Pearl said...

As a landlord, I must agree: gloss over matte, every single time.

And you're right about blogging thing, not only insofar as therapy goes but in terms of seeing how things were and how you reacted to them. There's a lot of learning possible there.


Pat said...

Parsnip: I know you understand and isn't it a mercy that much of the bad stuff almost fades completely with time. I feel very strongly that one can always start over and make life better. You are a living example and I salute you.
Thank you - and those two rascals for the good thoughts.

Pearl: oh I did not want to hear that Pearl.
Yes for me blogging beats keeping a diary - one can't be so self indulgent with one's blogging friends looking on.

Z said...

I suspect all that stress, once lived through, has made you stronger. So glad that things look good, I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday and wish you well.

The bagging things and one's other half sneaking them back in really does strike a chord!

Guyana-Gyal said...

What a heart-breaking time that was! Sadness piled upon sadness.

Some people would've become bitter, cynical.

I admire the way you've struggled and overcome, Pat. You're a wondeful example.

I hope all's clear for YTL.

Pat said...

Z: you know what I mean. My nerves were fairly shattered and I'm afraid I bellowed like a fishwife at MTL. To my horror I realised the next door neighbour had heard it all.

Thank you for the good thoughts:)

GG: Not bitter and cynical but in bits for a while.
Thank you GG and you know my prayers are with you.


bless your heart, pat -

Judy (kenju) said...

I wouldn't blame anyone for breaking down under those circumstances - how horrendous for you to miss their funerals.

Pat said...

Gypsywoman: :)

Pat said...

Judy: It proved how important a funeral is in allowing natural grieving to take its course. Without that grief gets out of hand and goes round and round in a tragic circle. I'm thankful - with help - I was able to move on.