DOUBTS AND FEARS

DOUBTS AND FEARS

My love is of a birth as rare
As’tis for object, strange and high:
It was begotten by despair
Upon impossibility.

Magnanimous despair alone
Could show me so divine a thing,
Where feeble hope could ne’er have flown
But vainly flapped its tinsel wing.

And yet I quickly might arrive
Where my extended soul is fixt,
But Fate does iron wedges drive,
And always crowds itself betwixt.

Andrew Marvell 17C

I had lost my heart to Jamie but somehow he had got inside my head and our relationship was out of balance.  It was that damned see-saw of love again, but this time I was way up in the clouds; losing control and totally dependent on his smile or nod of approval.

We had to make do with fleeting visits when Jamie would try to hitch-hike  – sometimes with Paul who also was back at Oxbridge.  These had to coincide with my days off and it was a long way to come for such a short time.  Things didn’t always go according to plan and there would be times when I was kept on duty and Jamie left, twiddling his thumbs at home.

My next holiday was in February – some months off – but we planned I should join him in Oxbridge then.  That was something to really look forward to.  Jamie was in his final year and I had a further year after he graduated.

There was plenty to keep me occupied – work on the wards and endless revising and writing up notes, as well as working on the play we were doing for Christmas.  Social life was sparse as Ginny was on night duty.  Two other close friends were either at Fever Hospital or the Baby Hospital which was part of our training.

My only contact with Jamie was by letter and the odd phone call.  The only link was Paul and I received odd snippets of news from Paul via Maddie which were not always reassuring.  Nothing concrete – just vaguely disquieting.

Maddie and I weren’t getting on too well.  Looking back I realise that life wasn’t too easy for her at this period.  I seemed to be having all the fun whilst she was stuck at home with the baby.  She coveted a Prince of Wales check suit I had and wanted to borrow it for a trip to Oxbridge.  In return she would lend me her black suit.  I kept my side of the bargain but Maddie changed her mind when it came to the black suit.  I think the aunts didn’t approve but anyway I flew off the handle - Maddie cried and I ended up in the dog-house.  Normally this would all be part and parcel of sibling rivalry but I earned Jamie’s disapproval and was shattered. I did behave badly but I thought I had reason to.  I have since learnt always to try ‘to rise above it.’

Once when Jamie came up I had bought a pretty beanie hat in a cool dove grey.  He frowned and said we were meant to be saving up.  He was still very loving but I began to feel I was walking on egg-shells and my spirits would plummet if I saw his frown.

The monthly dances started up and one evening I just happened to answer the phone in the Nurses Home.  It was Andrew.  He said he was coming to the next dance in his role of Entertainments Officer so I reassured him that I wouldn’t be there.  Then he asked me how I was and had I changed my mind?